I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
