if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
