you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Someone signed my nipple.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
