I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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