Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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