2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
