I just saw a hot homeless man
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
