Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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