I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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