My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
