I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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