Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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