i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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