Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
