Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
