my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
