I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
