Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
