Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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