I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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