see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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