keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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