Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
