oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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