You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
