hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
