I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
