Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
