i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
