she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
You don't make any sense
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