I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Sober January is a disaster.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
