I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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