Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
