ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
