Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
ok first of all what the fuck
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
