You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
