Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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