i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
