I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
