in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Acid is not a monday night drug
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
