omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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