i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
