I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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