3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
