2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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