my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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