When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
