Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
