So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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