Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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