i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
