Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
