Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I am midnight drunk by noon
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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