I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Boobs are out for the taking
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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