I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
What a dumb baby whore.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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