Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
