I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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