just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
