My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
